So new things in my life... I joined a gym and have been going 3-5 times a week. I have lost a little weight... I want to lose about 30 pounds. i actually think I can do it at this rate. I enjoy going to the gym for the most part. My deadline is sometime mid-next year.... I have to start working on smaller goals though to push me. I told David that I see him as only a friend.... He is taking it not as good as I would like him to but what can I do? I can't wait for him forever. I love him but I am not in love with him, I still have feelings for my ex. He has blocked me. And I cannot blame him. Its too complicated a situation to really get into. Ultimately we don't need each other in one another's lives. We are a perveted-fantastical distraction to one another when we choose to get swept away. I have come to terms with the fact that I need to find a mate. It is something I have always felt that I needed to feel whole. I know there are many who believe that you don't need a man to be happy, and for the most part I believe that is true, but the kind of happiness I seek isn't temporary. I want something consistent, something unchanging, I want to be with someone...at least something that feels real, there, something substantial. ---- My ex imed me, preventing me from truly closing out this entry. I tend to wonder if either i have power, it is just a coincidence or that the bond between me and him is truly that very strong. Lately I have been willing him to contact me and have been getting phone calls from the area he use to live. I know the phone calls were not from him but it does make me think of him more and in turn making me wish that he would contact me and it worked. Either if there is something more than a coincidence involved it is either all me or fate. Or maybe even it is sort of like how if something disappeared it will never change the fact that it once existed. Like if the bridge was built, the connection between us was there, just maybe we will always have that. We will always have that connection and it translates into this quasi-psychic bond. How about that for the ramblings of a naive young woman? | 
